Break surface tension
Letter #105
Unable to express what she feels in the present, instead Marn tells you about the last two weekends and reasons she did not write and believes that explains some-things and makes her presence felt.
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Surface tension
I am resisting me
Putting words on a page might break the surface tension that has been holding back the water that has long reached beyond the brim.
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Sunday, the last last
Choosing black or white when it’s all grey
The Sunday before last when I thought I should write, I was creating a hurricane in 32 degree Celsius with 80 percent humidity. Stressing over what to bring, what is necessary, absolutely necessary to bring, which is nothing really except for beakies. What do I carry on my body and what to zip in a check in baggage? What then to leave behind? Which is everything else but what of these things are we willing to risk moulding as most things had in the years we have been away.
Everything felt black and white, when in life we normally drift in the fog of greys.
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Sunday, the last
To sleep or not to sleep
The Sunday before i was back where I am now, sleeping away the stress of moving myself and things that are important to me, with me. Except for eating, i slept and slept, like when i had the vaccine booster, like when i used to work high intensity 10 hour day for months without a day off, like when i was five and wondered why we go to school for 5 days a week when 2 days of sleep just wasn’t enough,
It wasn’t until recently—these 2 years, 6 months, 3 months, 2 weeks, this week—that that I considered I wanted to sleep because I needed to sleep.
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Sunday, the last last last
Puppy runs free
Oh remember the puppy I was a telling you about? When i close my eyes now I can hear puppy biting through a child’s plastic spade, out side, no longer in the cage.
After my confrontation and subsequent talks, numerous talks with everyone including the human the puppy’s microchip is registered to, puppy got let out during the hottest part of the day, to hide under the shade. More talks and visits, she got bigger bowl of clean water, a kindred neighbour’s volunteer potty training bore fruit. More talks and visits, Now she walked daily and no longer in the cage, the cage is just a hunk of hot tin roof roasting careless mosquitoes.
She sticks her head out through the barrier whenever I visited. I hope she grows big fast and stands on her hind legs and have a chat with me about animal rights and self advocacy.
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Sunday, today
What it is not
So I was saying. There is so much in the present, the immediate past that has been for 2 weeks since being on the plane, midair, the passport says I exited one country but had yet to arrive in another. I don’t yet have the language to express what I am experiencing inside in response to what what’s on the outside.
It took me 2 weeks to come into the room in which I spent a lot of time making beakies. It feels familiar yet strange, just like how I felt, going back to where I’ve left for 2 and half years. But i had only been absent from this place for 3 months.
If I hadn’t read about this, I would have thought something isn’t right with me, except now I know right is just what was taught to me, right is just what i had absorbed from people who are different from me. There is nothing wrong, what is wrong is my perception.
Time to unlearn. Unlearn without forgetting.
Remember what i thought it was, so I know what it is not.
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Now
Constantly fluctuating is constance
I am very happy, disturbed, at peace, comfortable, unsettled, fearful, confident. My belly rumbles, my neck stiff, my hands cold. Whatever. It is warm in my heart.
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Hello heellooo heeeelloooooo there. Thanks for sitting with me here today. Let’s HUG.
I’m Marn aka noisybeak.com . This letter is a weekly-ish trigger to bait expressions out of my jammed head. I talk about making soft sculptures from unwanted clothes, which I’ve just come to realise is also a bait. All that and everything else that I do, help me learn to be a person, a kind, honest, authentic person who takes part in rebuilding this drowning world.